Zelda! The sexy bug!

My beloved bug
My beloved bug

That, unfortunately, breaks down once a month.

It really is quite sad. I have the sexiest car in the world and it hates the mornings, the cold, going up hills, and when people look at it funny. People of the world, let me introduce to you my first and only beautiful car, Zelda, a 1970 Volkswagen Beetle. I’m the beautiful chick standing next to it all proudly like. She has a superbug engine and driving her is like driving a go-cart on steroids. The muffler fell off last month, so you can hardly hear yourself think over the ROAR of the simplest  four-cylinder engine you’ll ever meet. I love it. Also, there are holes near the bottom where the idiot who tore out the floor tried to replace it with a new one and had the smarts to do it with screws (idiot, how dare he do that to my princess!). So when it rains >) it’s a water fight with whoever is driving in my passenger seat MUWAHAHAHAHA. They only get their feet wet, but come on, it’s great!!

On warm days I like to take my beautiful car up to the mountains with some Jason Marz and lounge on the hood. It’s quite comfortable. No annoying slop to slide down, no weird slanted windshield. And then I keep getting people taking pictures of my cars butt. If that’s not super model, I don’t know what is.

Sadly, there are some stupid people who think they can jab at the fact my car breaks down frequently and other unspeakable things that I will not post here that have to do with rust. Of course, I growl at them. Then I have dreams at night of running them over with said car that they have insulted. It’s in these moments that those stupid screws sticking out the bottom come to use. >)  Muwahahahaha. Teach them to mock my beautiful car. Besides, it’s just rude. My car is 42 years old, people! I doubt your stupid Prius or lunchboxes or whatever you drive will look this good or even be alive after 42 years! And besides, it’s like pointing out to an old man that he smells bad and is making obnoxious noises when he has irritable bowl syndrome and is freaking ANCIENT. Of course my car is going to have problems! You would too, you prune sucking dipweed!

End of story: don’t make fun of my car. If you can appreciate its beauty and love it too, we’ll get along just fine.